In Your Back Pocket

By Bill Yanger

Another in a continuing series of imagined conversations over coffee at Ginny & Jane E’s. Any resemblance to persons or personalities, real or imagined, is entirely coincidental and mostly unintended.


Good Morning

And a good morning to you, buddy.
Missed you yesterday. Where were you?

Yeah, well, I was finishing my site plan. Gonna file it today with the City.

Site plan?

Uh huh. Decided I’d better get it in before it’s too late. I’m gonna have a store or a real estate office or something on the bottom floor and I’ll live on the top floor unless I can rent it out for weddings. Putting in a pool, a jacuzzi, landscape lighting…
Wait…

…native Florida plants that that native plant guy who lives here preaches about…

Wait…

…parking spaces paved with real beach shell, palm trees, seagrapes…

WAIT!

What?

Stop. You live in a tiny house on a tiny lot on a quiet street with other tiny houses. You’re zoned residential. You can’t build a building with a commercial use and you never will.

Maybe not yet but soon. And if I don’t get my plans in now, it may be too late when I finally get around to it. Things are changing everyday. Even going to see a lawyer this afternoon.
A lawyer. What are you talking about?

Hey, I’m a developer now. A developer needs a lawyer.
To do what?

You know, whatever lawyers do…send long letters, point fingers at City Commission meetings. Threaten to sue everyone…the City, the State, even other developers. God, I can’t wait!
Okay, let’s slow down. First, what makes you think your zoning is going to change.

Wake up man! Look around you. They changed the density thingy, then rezoned like a hundred lots all at once by snapping their fingers and now it looks like the lawyers want more changes and less denials…or maybe they mean less changes and more denials…

Did you just say “density thingy”?

Yes. Like in the Comp Plan thingy.

You have a thing for saying “thingy.”

Whatever, you know what I mean.
I wish I did. And it wasn’t a hundred lots they rezoned, just a couple dozen.

Right, a dozen here, a dozen there…before you know it you’re looking at real numbers. Anyway, a real developer plans ahead, anticipates what’ll happen. That’s why I need to get this done now.
You will never get it done.

Oh yeah? Tell PAR that. They seem to be good at planning ahead. Filed all their stuff a long time ago in case something changes. And now it looks like changes are coming. Seems to be working for them.
Please tell me you are not really serious about this.

Serious as a heart attack my friend. Would I stand around a Xerox machine for two hours yesterday making 9 copies of my plan if I wasn’t serious?

Nine copies?

Yeah, I have to file nine copies with the City. Let’s see, at 10 cents a copy that’s…
Okay okay. I give up, do what you want. Going to yoga today?

No yoga. Besides all the good looking ladies are off visitin' kids for the holidays. Anyway, gotta meet my new real estate broker for lunch.

Right, your real estate broker.

Sure, can’t be a real developer without a real broker. You know, slick website, snappy pictures, great flowery words about how awesome my development will be even if there's no real hope of ever getting it done.
Of course, stupid me. And who might this broker be.

That guy down in Bradenton Beach. New York guy. Like they say, if you can make it in New York you can make it anywhere…even in this little city.

I wouldn’t bet on it. Some pretty tough cookies in this town’s politics these days. And it’s getting tougher. Seems even the lawyers are getting lawyers.

Anyway, I got my checklist here in my back pocket…uh…got it. Let’s see. Site plan, check. Nine copies, check. Lawyer, check. Broker, check. I think I’m set. Just feel like something’s missing.

Uh, how about common sense?

Hah hah. No, really. This is important to me, man. Can you think of anything else I will need to get this thing done?
Nothing for your checklist. But I can think of one thing you’ll need in that back pocket of yours.

What?
Any self-respecting developer has one.

Okay okay. What is it?
A newspaper editor.

You are right! I’ll work on that.
See you tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow.


© 2009 William L. Yanger