Bummer, Dude

By Bill Yanger

Another in a continuing series of imagined conversations over coffee at the Rod & Reel Pier. Any resemblance to persons or personalities, real or imagined, is entirely coincidental and mostly unintended.


Good morning.

Yeah…um…hey.
What’s the deal? You look like crap. You sleep on the beach or something?

Nah. Didn’t really sleep at all. Just a little down I guess.
Down?

Yeah, I had the bright idea of going to the City Commission meeting last night.
So?

So, it was a kind of bummer.

Well, I can’t say you have great taste in your choice of entertainment. Commission meetings ain’t exactly American Idol or even Germany v. Norway in Olympic curling. Have you seen those guys sweep? So cool...they float down the ice with these little brooms…

…Hey! This is important man.

Whoa. Sorry. Mr. Touchy today. Okay, I’m all ears. Take three deep breathes and talk to me.


Something is really screwed up down there.
 Where?

City Hall.

I’m listening.

Well, you know, they got that old site plan ordinance that is being replaced by a new site plan ordinance but until the new one is done the old one is still the law. And the City’s lawyer was supposed to show up last night with the new ordinance that puts site plan approval back with the City Commission. You know, so they could all look at it and we could all look at it and the Commission could do what they do to get it passed.
Yeah, it’s called a “second reading.”

So you do follow this stuff.

I try. But continue.

The first reading was three weeks ago right? So the City lawyer shows up and says he’s not ready.

But he had three weeks.

Yeah, said something about him and the city staff guys working on it for two and half hours yesterday.
 Yesterday?

Right, the day of the commission meeting.
 But they may have been working on it before that too.

Maybe, but so what? He tried to explain the why’s and who’s and when’s but what we really heard through the clatter of his tap dancing sounded something like “Commissioners, I know you all are here tonight to do your job and all these people are here tonight to watch you do your job but I didn’t do my job so guess what, you can’t do yours.” And none of them called him on it.

And this has thrown you into a fit of depression?

Oh no. I’m just getting started.

Can’t wait.

So then he…

The City lawyer?

Yeah, then he makes some comment to the Commissioners about a court reporter being there.

A court reporter? Like in Perry Mason? Cool.

Guess one of the other lawyers hired her. But the City lawyer kinda squirmed in his seat and sorta told the Commission to be careful what they say because it was all being recorded.

Huh? All their meetings are recorded and are public record for anyone who wants to read them. Why was he so concerned last night?

Got me. Ask him. But he clearly didn’t like the fact that the one Commissioner, the pool guy, asked why the City was not enforcing the old ordinance.

He asked that? Good for him. I’d of liked to have seen that.

Yeah, he seemed real concerned that regardless of how and when the ordinance gets changed, the one we have now is not being enforced.

It’s not?

He didn’t seem to think so and he seemed real genuine and thoughtful about it. Then that other Commissioner, the lawyer guy, jumped in and blustered something like “Hold on, we are enforcing the ordinance.” Then new commissioner obviously disagreed, no surprise there, and it was pretty much a steel cage match after that, arguing over the new law they want and the old one they’ve decided has problems until finally they all agreed to postpone it all until March 4th, so now the City lawyer another two weeks to actually do his job.

Dramatic, maybe. But depressing? I still don’t feel your pain.

I haven’t even gotten to the juicy parts.

Lovely.

When they were done with the site plan thingy they moved to the parking stuff.

Oh boy, here it comes. Let me guess, the new guy was all over it, right?

Right, but first one of the commissioners, the lawyer guy again ... he was not in a good mood ... he whined about not getting enough time to prepare for the parking stuff.

No way. Where the hell has he been? They’ve been wrestling over that since November 3rd last year.

Don’t know, but a lot of folks kinda rolled their eyes and the guy with the gavel pretty much told him to get over it and deal with it. The new commissioner, as expected, started pointing out changes he wanted in the parking ordinance but he didn’t get very far.

Why not?

Well, as you know this whole safety thing is everyone’s hot button.

To say the least.

And as soon as the word “safety” popped up, seemed like everyone was raising hands and interrupting and point-of-ordering and elbowing to get a word in…even a guy from the audience, you know, the guy with the red bike, spouted “That’s just not true!”

So where was the guy with the gavel in all this?

Oh he was right in the thick of it. Banged them back to order, so to speak, and then made sure everyone knew that the safety committee had found that there are parking safety issues on Pine, said it a few times actually. And then he let some of the parking committee members say their piece. That was fun.

Tense?

A little. A few stare-downs and finger-pointings. A lot of ruffled feathers floating around.

At least it was over.

No it wasn’t.

More?

When the guy with the gavel started to adjourn, the new commissioner piped up and started asking questions about a moratorium on site plans.


A what?


A moratorium. A stop. A temporary halt. Frankly, it was the first logical thing I heard all night.Bet that lawyer commissioner just loved that one.

Yep, he point-of-ordered or whatever and barked about the agenda but again the guy with the gavel shut him down. So he just sat there for the next ten minutes shaking his head and looking like he’d eaten a bad egg.

So what happened with the moratorium.

The City lawyer hemmed and hawed about the law, you know, he strung a lot of words together but made sure they didn’t mean anything, least nothing he could be called out on. The gavel guy said he’d support it if and when the March 4th meeting bogs down, the pool guy stayed quiet and, interestingly enough, the lady commissioner told the City lawyer she wanted a written report on the moratorium issue by the next meeting. Least someone told him to do something.

So the moratorium may happen.

Who knows? But it should happen.

Seems kinda drastic.

Drastic? You kidding me? Look, we got a City lawyer who had three weeks to do his job on the site plan ordinance and dropped the ball like it was no big deal, then seemed more concerned about the court reporter in the room than he was about the ordinance. We got a P&Z and a City Commission that has agreed, agreed, we need a new site plan ordinance because the old one is broken but don’t seem to care that their lawyer is dragging his feet getting the new one in shape to enact, at least they haven’t said so. We got some commissioners asking why we haven’t enforced the old site plan ordinance and other ones nodding agreement. Then there is one Commissioner saying we are enforcing the old ordinance and the City lawyer nodding with him. We got a parking committee that told the Commission there is a safety issue on Pine but one or two parking committee members and a City Commissioner who refuse to accept it. We got a Commissioner complaining about not having time to prepare to discuss parking, an issue they’ve been debating for four months and we got a parking ordinance that everyone agrees needs fixing but we can’t get enough commissioners to concentrate long enough in one place at one time to make it happen. We got swarms of lawyers in tight gray suits scribbling on yellow pads and tossing out 14th amendment threats like Privateers throwing beads on the 4th of July. And we got plans ready to get approved as early as next week under laws everyone agrees are broken, some think aren’t even being enforced and all are trying to change. So, unless someone on the P&Z has the stones and the sense to move for a continuance we’ll have projects going up that everyone says don’t conform to the law as everyone agrees it should be. It’s a mess. They need to take three deep breathes. Then they need to call a big ... TIME ... OUT.

A moratorium.

Yes. Like right now.

And what if they don’t?

Can’t say it’d surprise me but that would be another bummer. Just bigger. And sadder.

Drink your coffee. Go to Bean Point and find your center or whatever you call it.

Good idea. See you tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow.


© 2010 – William L. Yanger