Can't You Smell That Smell?

By Bill Yanger

Another in a continuing series of imagined conversations over coffee at the Rod & Reel Pier. Any resemblance to persons or personalities, real or imagined, is entirely coincidental and mostly unintended.


Good morning

Hello hello.

What’s with the collared shirt? Didn’t know you owned one.

Don’t. Borrowed it from my neighbor.

You…uh…borrowed a shirt. What’s the occasion?

Just spiffin’ up my image. First impressions and all that stuff.
Then why don’t you buy your own shirt?

Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

Uh huh. You even combed your hair...both of them. So who you tryin’ to impress?

No one in particular…just, you know, folks I see, people I meet. My neighbors and friends here in my little town.
Our little town.

Yeah yeah, our town.
So why the sudden urge to impress folks?




What, a guy can’t give himself a little spit and polish without getting cross examined?

Come on, first you keep some big secret the last few weeks and then you show up bathed, combed and smelling like you been soaking in an Old Spice bubble bath.

I love Old Spice.
I love butter cream frosting but I don’t spread it on me like I’m a wedding cake.

To each his own.
You gonna tell me your secret or not?

That’s just it, I want it stay a secret, least for now. If I tell you, I might as well plaster it on one of those banners they drag up and down the beach behind that sputtering little airplane.
You saying I have a big mouth?

No…well...uh…yeah, I guess I am. Like when I had that hairy hangover after the Superbowl. The post office lady giggled to me about it before my head had stopped throbbing. You’re the only one ‘round here knew about it.
Oh, yeah, but…

Every other person I see tells me how to fix my insomnia when all I did was tell you…just you I might add… that I felt a little down one day and hadn’t slept that night.
I only…

And how the heck did those ladies in the yoga class know I’ve been married three times?

I only told one of them. Come on, you can trust me on this. I’ll double cross my heart and pinky swear this time, honest.

Give me your pinky…

There…hey, not so hard! You’re twisting it.

I’m gonna run for mayor you big baby.

Nice try, wise guy. What’s the real secret?

Read my lips, I am going to… run… for…MAY…YOR.
Mayor of what?

Uh, let’s see...Mayor of Wonderland, Alice. Hey idiot. I live in the City of Anna Maria. I’m gonna run for mayor of my…our…city.

When?

November. This year.
But we have a mayor. What if she runs again?

Then I’ll run against her. It ain’t personal.

It ain’t personal? Dude, it’s politics, it’s Anna Maria. It don’t get more personal.

Well maybe I can fix that. Be part of the solution and all…
Yeah, and maybe you can cure cancer too. Commission meetings give you migraines. Politicians and lawyers and all the noise that comes with ‘em, it all makes you cringe.

I can handle it.

But you like being low key, under the radar. Hell, it’s why you live here.

Yeah, and I want it to be the same way when my grandkids live here.
What about your privacy?

What about it?

You know, all that government sunshine crap.

It’s not crap. It’s a good thing and I got nothing to hide.

That’s not the point. Things are getting’ nasty round here and some folks don’t care if you got nothing to hide…they still wanna look down your shorts. And why? Just because government sunshine says they can, that’s why. Like that so-called consultant guy from Sarasota…someone around here hired him to send the City a letter asking for that new commissioner’s emails, his city emails and private ones.

Yeah, he wants that nice P&Z guy’s emails too.

The guy’s either clueless or just trying to cause trouble. Probably the latter since he seems to have a habit of picking on little cities. This time he demanded emails since March 2009 and the new commish wasn’t even elected until November.

Even I know he can’t get the one's before he was elected. Why on earth would he ask for ‘em?
He told one of the papers that why he’s asking is “irrelevant” and that the City shouldn’t ask him for a reason. I don't know...the whole thing smells like the beach during one of those mystery red tides, you know? Except I’m guessin’ sooner or later we’ll find out where this smell is coming from. For now there’s just a lot of “no comment” floating around.

Well someone had to hire the guy and tell him what they're looking for so he could turn around and ask for it.
And I hope whoever did hire him thought this thing through and has a damn good reason. They best not be anyone who has served on any committee or board around here.

Why’s that?
Because they just might find themselves having to dig up a bunch of their old emails, too. Good for the goose, good for the gander kinda thing, you know? As we can see, doesn’t take a degree or smarts or wits or even a reason. Just takes a letter to the City asking for ‘em.

Even if they weren’t elected? If they just served on a committee?
Yep, apparently as long as the City had the committee give recommendations on whatever thing they were formed to study, you know, like accepting some and rejecting others.

You mean like that Parking Safety Committee, you know, some of them caused all the ruckus in that meeting the Commission and the P&Z had a few weeks back? Four of 'em kinda went rogue and submitted some kind of signed letter to the commissioners with findings and recommendations for one plan over some others. The other two members were...uh...lets' say in disagreement.

Yep, I'd say that's a grade-A prime example.

How do you know all this government in the sunshine stuff?

I read a lot. And since I saw that Sarasota guy ask for those emails, I have read a lot more. You should too. If you want to be Mayor, you need to worry less about what you wear and more about what you know.

Maybe I’ll just make you my spokesman.
As brilliant a staff choice as that may be, I would have to decline. Won’t catch me near a government job. Did my Navy time, that was enough. Educate yourself on the issues Mr. Mayor-To-Be. Ain’t hard to do.

But kingfish season is coming up, then tarpon hit the passes and snook start patrolling the beach. Who has time to read?
Maybe you should rethink this Mayor thing. Could be a slammin’ snook season this year.

Yeah, probably right. I hate this shirt anyway, collar’s rubbing my neck raw.
Make sure you lose the Old Spice too. Tarpon go crazy for Aqua Velva, proven fact.

Funny guy.
See you tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow.


*Blogger’s Note: If you’d like to further educate yourself on "government in the sunshine" here in Florida, click HERE for a great place to start.
© 2010 – William L. Yanger