In Your Back Pocket

By Bill Yanger

Another in a continuing series of imagined conversations over coffee at Ginny & Jane E’s. Any resemblance to persons or personalities, real or imagined, is entirely coincidental and mostly unintended.


Good Morning

And a good morning to you, buddy.
Missed you yesterday. Where were you?

Yeah, well, I was finishing my site plan. Gonna file it today with the City.

Site plan?

Uh huh. Decided I’d better get it in before it’s too late. I’m gonna have a store or a real estate office or something on the bottom floor and I’ll live on the top floor unless I can rent it out for weddings. Putting in a pool, a jacuzzi, landscape lighting…
Wait…

…native Florida plants that that native plant guy who lives here preaches about…

Wait…

…parking spaces paved with real beach shell, palm trees, seagrapes…

WAIT!

What?

Stop. You live in a tiny house on a tiny lot on a quiet street with other tiny houses. You’re zoned residential. You can’t build a building with a commercial use and you never will.

Maybe not yet but soon. And if I don’t get my plans in now, it may be too late when I finally get around to it. Things are changing everyday. Even going to see a lawyer this afternoon.
A lawyer. What are you talking about?

Hey, I’m a developer now. A developer needs a lawyer.
To do what?

You know, whatever lawyers do…send long letters, point fingers at City Commission meetings. Threaten to sue everyone…the City, the State, even other developers. God, I can’t wait!
Okay, let’s slow down. First, what makes you think your zoning is going to change.

Wake up man! Look around you. They changed the density thingy, then rezoned like a hundred lots all at once by snapping their fingers and now it looks like the lawyers want more changes and less denials…or maybe they mean less changes and more denials…

Did you just say “density thingy”?

Yes. Like in the Comp Plan thingy.

You have a thing for saying “thingy.”

Whatever, you know what I mean.
I wish I did. And it wasn’t a hundred lots they rezoned, just a couple dozen.

Right, a dozen here, a dozen there…before you know it you’re looking at real numbers. Anyway, a real developer plans ahead, anticipates what’ll happen. That’s why I need to get this done now.
You will never get it done.

Oh yeah? Tell PAR that. They seem to be good at planning ahead. Filed all their stuff a long time ago in case something changes. And now it looks like changes are coming. Seems to be working for them.
Please tell me you are not really serious about this.

Serious as a heart attack my friend. Would I stand around a Xerox machine for two hours yesterday making 9 copies of my plan if I wasn’t serious?

Nine copies?

Yeah, I have to file nine copies with the City. Let’s see, at 10 cents a copy that’s…
Okay okay. I give up, do what you want. Going to yoga today?

No yoga. Besides all the good looking ladies are off visitin' kids for the holidays. Anyway, gotta meet my new real estate broker for lunch.

Right, your real estate broker.

Sure, can’t be a real developer without a real broker. You know, slick website, snappy pictures, great flowery words about how awesome my development will be even if there's no real hope of ever getting it done.
Of course, stupid me. And who might this broker be.

That guy down in Bradenton Beach. New York guy. Like they say, if you can make it in New York you can make it anywhere…even in this little city.

I wouldn’t bet on it. Some pretty tough cookies in this town’s politics these days. And it’s getting tougher. Seems even the lawyers are getting lawyers.

Anyway, I got my checklist here in my back pocket…uh…got it. Let’s see. Site plan, check. Nine copies, check. Lawyer, check. Broker, check. I think I’m set. Just feel like something’s missing.

Uh, how about common sense?

Hah hah. No, really. This is important to me, man. Can you think of anything else I will need to get this thing done?
Nothing for your checklist. But I can think of one thing you’ll need in that back pocket of yours.

What?
Any self-respecting developer has one.

Okay okay. What is it?
A newspaper editor.

You are right! I’ll work on that.
See you tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow.


© 2009 William L. Yanger

Yes My Friend, There Is A Santa Claus

By Bill Yanger

Another in a continuing series of imagined conversations over coffee at Ginny & Jane E’s. Any resemblance to persons or personalities, real or imagined, is entirely coincidental and mostly unintended.

Morning.

Hey, good morning my best friend ever!

That’s a turn around…last week I was a cheater…best friend ever now?

Of course! Greatest guy in the world. You’re like a brother.

Where’s all this coming from?

It’s almost Christmas man. Just letting you know how much I appreciate you. Here’s your coffee. Three sugars, heavy cream, right.
Yeah, thanks…and…uh…I…appreciate you too. What is that?

This?
Yeah, that.

Oh, this is just a little list.
What kinda list?

Christmas list.

A gift list?

Yeah.
Going shopping today?

No.
So why the list?

It’s my list…what I want for Christmas.
Wait, does that say “Dear Santa” at the top?

…n-n-no…

Yes it does. Let me see…

Does not. Leave it…

Got it. Hah! It DOES say Dear Santa! “Dear Santa, I hope you had a good year. Here is my list as usual. You ate all the peanut butter cookies last year so I think I’ll leave you those again. Drive safe…” Is this a joke?

No. A tradition.

A tradition. Got it.

Yeah, you know, every year…do the same thing…makes it feel like Christmas.
…Uh-huh…you write to Santa…do you leave your dentures under your pillow, too? Hunt for easter eggs with your own little basket?

You’re a laugh riot.

So let’s see what you want this year…

C’mon, give it back.
Socks. Socks is at the top of your list?

Yeah, socks. So?

You have four pairs of flip flops and those nasty old boat shoes with the paint spots. You live a block from the beach. You haven’t worn socks since that No-Name storm in ’93 flooded your closet and soaked your loafers.

I hated those loafers. Good riddance.
But you still want socks.

I ask for them every year. He never brings them.
He. Santa?

Yeah Santa. Who else would “he” be?
Right, of course. Who else…OOO-kay … Let’s see, the list…A yoga mat? Yoga?

Yes, yoga. At the Community Center. Lotsa ladies, if you know what I mean.
My friend, you can’t see your toes much less touch them. Quite the chick magnet.

See there? Your karma is sooo negative. You should come with me. I went yesterday. It was life changing.
Life changing? Changing your Depends after a yoga class, maybe, but your life?

Hah hah. Make fun, as usual. You’ll see. A few more yoga classes and I will be able to watch a City Commission meeting without my blood pressure banging in my ears like the chairman’s gavel.
You’ll need to move to a yoga ashram in the mountains of India to settle your blood pressure with this Commission. And remember there’s another election around the corner for that one lady’s seat and for the Mayor. That lawyer, you know, the predictable one? His seat’s up too. July 4th won’t be the only fireworks next summer.

I’ll take a commission meeting any day over watching that new parking safety committee. They oughta use the Island Players place for their meetings…all that overwrought melodrama.
More like male-o-drama…as usual, the ladies were all too smart to get caught up in that mess. Oy…maybe I should consider a yoga class. Probably see those PAR guys there with their editor and their newly anointed P&Z pal too…all chasing a little good karma. Hey, you ever see that commissioner, the pool maintenance guy, at yoga?

Never, why?
Eh, nothing. Just think he must’ve still been in some kinda tantric trance when he voted on the new P&Z seat the other night.

Dunno. Coulda been. Read the next one.
What?

Read the next one on my list.
Two Super Bowl tickets.

Yeah, that’s my biggy.
I’d say. Good luck with that one…uh…why are you giggling?

It’s in Miami this year. Beaches, bikinis, Pina Coladas…
That cute bartender at Hank’s, she makes great Pina Coladas…er…so I hear…and we have beaches and bikinis right here…so I’m told…

But we don’t have the Super Bowl right here.
I thought your wife hates football.

She does. Won’t watch it. Hates it when I do. That’s why I come to your house…to share America’s game with someone who has a refined appreciation for the nuances of the sport and a deep respect for the parallels to our society as a whole.
You come to my house to drink my beer.

And to drink your beer, yes.
So why would you…uh … ask Santa for two tickets if the wife won’t go?

I’m taking my best friend, of course.
Of course you are. And that would be…

You, remember?
Me. Yes, how could I forget.

You’ll go right?

Ohhhh, absolutely! I’ll pack tomorrow. Warm up the Lear Jet. A suite at the Fountainbleu. Call George Clooney and Brad Pitt and have them meet us at South Beach. Make it a boy’s weekend.

No really. You’ll go right?
One little detail.

Yeah?

Dude, hell-OH? Anybody home? You’re older than dirt and writing letters to Santa Claus for godsake. There IS…NO... Santa Claus!

Maybe…but if so…then where’d these come from?
What are those?

Two Super Bowl tickets genius.
What the…

Yep. Two. You and me. Fifty yard line. Miami, my brother.
But how? You could buy a car for…

Ehh, don’t worry about it. Don’t need a car. I know a guy who knows a guy. Besides you’re worth it. Best friend ever and all.
W-w-what can I say?

I dunno…say you’ll go to yoga with me.
Yoga? Uhhh…

Miami Beach.

Yoga.

Fifty yard line.

I love yoga.

And say you believe in Santa Claus.
That’s an easy one.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas brother. And a Merry Christmas to all of our Anna Maria friends, right?

Of course. Give me a hug.
Here? In front of all of them? Awk--ward.

Uh, sport's biggest spectacle? Hot latin nights? Cuban coffee and toast in the morning? MY... AM...EE?
Right. A hug … Okay …umm…There you go. You’re just a big old goof, you know that?

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow.



© 2009 – William L. Yanger

On Dec. 17th, 7 p.m. Commission to Approve or Not Approve Mayor's Appointment of Bob Barlow for P&Z Board

As was previously posted, the Mayor has appointed Robert (Bob) Barlow for the empty Planning & Zoning (P&Z) Board spot. At the Thursday, Dec. 17th Commission meeting,7 p.m., the Commission will 'approve' or 'not approve' the Mayor's appointment of Bob Barlow for the P&Z Board. Tonight I emailed a letter to the City asking the Commissioners to not appoint Mr. Barlow as I think Tom Turner should have been next in line for appointment to the P&Z Board. Here is my letter:

To: Commissioners Quam, Mattick, Stoltzfus, Webb & Woodland
Cc: Mayor Barford, Planning & Zoning Board Members
From: Robin Wall, 112 Palmetto Ave.
Date: December 15, 2009
Subject: December 17, 2009 Commission Meeting re: Appointment of Robert Barlow to P&Z Board

Commissioners,

I see on the agenda for your December 17th Regular Commission meeting, 7 p.m., that Consent agenda item # 9.a. reads “Mayor’s Appointment to Planning & Zoning Board – Robert Barlow (Term to 7/11)”.

I ask that you deny the appointment of Mr. Barlow to the Planning & Zoning (P&Z) Board. I ask this, not because I think Mr. Barlow couldn’t perform the role as P&Z Board member, but because I think that applications for persons who want to serve on the Planning & Zoning Board should be considered in the order received. It’s my recollection that applications for the P&Z Board were submitted to the City in the following order: 1) Michael Coleman, 2) Tom Turner, 3) Charlie Daniel, 4) Carl Pearman and 5) Bob Barlow.

Previously, many citizens made it clear that Mr. Coleman should be passed over because of the obvious conflict of interest. I think the next person who should be considered for a position on the P&Z Board is Tom Turner as his application was next in line. Mr. Turner attends P&Z Board and City Commission meetings on a regular basis and gives his input. Over his many years of residency, he has shown interest in serving out City, even running for Mayor in 2006. He served as Chairperson on the P&Z Board in the 90’s for at least 7 years and in the past served in the Air Force, worked in insurance claims and held a real estate license. Mr. Turner is familiar with our codes, having personally worked on many of them when the LDRs were being written in the mid-90’s. I know that he would be ready and willing to serve if appointed.

Commissioners, I again ask that you not approve the appointment of Robert Barlow to the P&Z Board for the main reason that Tom Turner submitted to the City his P&Z Board application months before Mr. Barlow submitted his application.

Sincerely,

Robin Wall

How much 'scrutinizing' has the Mayor done???

I read in this weeks' Islander that the Mayor 'has been scrutinizing a number of applicants to fill a vacant position on the Anna Maria Planning and Zoning Board'. She plans to 'recommend Bob Barlow for the P & Z vacancy.'

I sincerely hope that the City Commission will see this recommendation for what it is and vote against her recommendation. It has been well publicized during the last year that Mr Barlow is being groomed to replace Mayor Barford when she steps down next year.

The following emails should leave nobody in any doubt where Mr Barlow stands and his affiliation to PAR - no surprise therefore that our current Mayor is recommending him! (The recipient of the email has been removed from the post). I guess if she can't appoint Mike Coleman himself then this is the next best thing.

Email number 1:

From: rbarlow9@tampabay.rr.com; "callahan" ; "tom aposporos" ; "Wallis,Dick" Cc: "David Grybosky" ; Sent: Friday, October 30, 2009 5:08 AMSubject: ElectionOn September 10th a private blog administered by former commissioner Duke Miller, with significant contributions by Robin Wall, announced the candidacy of Harry Stoltzfus. This blog, whose stock in trade was false logic, character assassination and misinformation has since been thoroughly discredited and is now all but defunct. It's unfortunate fruit has been a divisiveness among former friends and current neighbors not seen in recent memory. Not surprisingly, the platform issues first born out of the false paradigm described above have failed the "reality" test and, much like the blog where they started, are now discredited and abandoned. "Running on Empty" illustrates what happens when emotion and rhetoric encounter fact and logic, when "monkey wrench" proposals confront rational basis. Feel free to share with friends and neighbors. Just copy and paste to your own email list. If those of you on this list each reach two we'll have 600 voters operating on a factual basis. That's a good thing.Running on Empty, The Stoltzfus Campaign Then and NowHe was running as part of a slate first advanced on Duke Miller’s discredited Blog. Now, not so much … Then, Duke breathlessly posted, “I'm... ecstatic !....we have a candidate....he had conversations with both John Quam and Dale Woodland"…Harry said, ..’I’m hoping my efforts joined with theirs’” ...Now, in the papers “he is not running as part of any collective…..”He was against rentals, now he's dropped the issueFirst Harry wrote the city commission “no rentals please”. Now he’s changed. No issueHe was running to protect the residents from an expanding business district that won't and can't expand. All candidates, sitting commissioners, the Mayor and developers are on the record vigorously opposed to expanding the business district. No issue.He was running to hold the line against a motel that will NEVER be builtThis idea was rejected by Commissioner Tollette and everyone else. No issueHe was running to turn back laws that were never passed Harry has vowed to address “major concessions” regarding parking that were supposedly granted to developers this past winter. The current parking laws were passed in 1996. No issue.He was running to change a unanimously approved comp plan, years in the making. Harry is quoted “a lot of concessions have been made…..it was a mistake…and they should be taken back”. Since the laws governing the ROR were established in the Comprehensive Plan, this is a non starter. No issueIn short, all of his initial campaign issues are non issues.More recently, Harry has been called on to address real issues.Like the budget. That's something real. Here's what he said about that, paraphrasing ‘I have no expertise in budgets….everyone at this table is better equipped than I am in this area’. Startling admission, given this is a top city priority item.Like the Community Center. That's something real. Here's what he said about that, again, paraphrasing "let them eat cake, so long as it's not wedding cake".Seriously, before a gasping audience of residents who actually pay attention to broad community issues, Harry said "the community center is doing fine financially”. He then went on to warn "don't talk about weddings to the neighbors" . So, let's see, the city shouldn't help and the center shouldn't be allowed to help themselves by doing what they've been doing for twenty years.Harry leads the pack on non issues with emotional appeal and divisive content. However, when it comes to real issues touching us all, like the budget and the hub of our community life, the Community Center, he is no match for Chris Tollette.Chris has been consistent in her positions. She knows the Comp Plan because she helped write it. She knows budgets because she’s helped balance four of them. Perhaps most importantly, Chris knows her community, and it’s center, because she has devoted herself these past eight years to serving both.In reality, there’s no contest. Re-elect Chris Tollette Nov 3rdPol.AdPd. for and approved by Christine Tollette for Anna Maria Cty Comm (non-partisan)

The contents of his email are not even worth commenting on except it proves his affiliation. The rest as they say is history.

Email number 2: (again the recipient has been removed from the post. 'Mike' is Mike Coleman).

----- Original Message ----- From: Sent: Friday, October 30, 2009 8:53 PMSubject: Harry & Wine Tasting> Mike, Thought you would get a chuckle out of this.Betsy Hills invited > Marcia and to a wine tasting at her Mango House this evening. We were > warmly greeted by Betsy and 2 of her staff at the door Very nice occasion > with food and about 20 people in attendance.Harry was right there waving > an e-mail and acting like a crazy man till many guests were looking at > him. He had a copy of the running on empty e-mail and he started ranting > at me on the litany of issues in the e-mail. Finally his wife and Betsy > convinced him that this was neither the time or place and he moved on with > the copy of the e-mail that I had sent to Betsy.He continued the evening > by reviewing the e-mail with anyone that would listen.We have the feeling > he turned off a lot of voters. He must have enjoyed the wine. Bob

Mr Barlow was seriously deluded (as the results of the election showed) if he really believed what he wrote to Mr Coleman. C0mmissioner Stoltzfus was neither waving an email or behaving like a crazy man, nor was he ranting. In fact it was Mr Barlow who looked highly embarrassed and left after ten minutes as it was very clear Commissioner Stoltzfus was surrounded by friends and supporters.

Wanna Bet?

By Bill Yanger

Another in a continuing series of imagined conversations over coffee at Ginny & Jane E’s. Any resemblance to persons or personalities, real or imagined, is entirely coincidental and mostly unintended.

Good morning.

Well well. And a good morning to you, cheater.

Cheater?

Yeah, you cheated.
What do you mean I cheated?

You took me with that bet when you knew your team was gonna luck out and win.
Are you talking about the football game Sunday?

Yes, wiseguy, the football game Sunday. You invited me over to watch and you took me.
And you drank all my beer.

Serves you right.

So you’re mad because I won a two dollar bet?

I’m mad because you knew he’d missed that field goal.

Oh come on ya big cry baby. You’d think we were at the Super Bowl or something. Just having a little fun.

Yeah, at my expense. Super Bowl...you wish big shot. I had no idea you had the game recorded on your DVR and we were watching it fifteen minutes after it really happened. Shoulda suspected something. You never gamble.

Unless I know the outcome. Heh heh.

Kinda like those developers. And wipe that smirk off your face.
Huh?

Those developers. They knew they’d get the zoning they wanted. Come on, 24 lots? All at one time? One fell swoop and they’ll have the roar they want. They’ll be roaring big time.
“Roar”?

Yeah, they want to roar. They wanna be able to build businesses and live there too. Like that "cake and eat it too” thing.
Cake?….Ohhhh. You mean R-O-R … “roar”… “cake and eat it too”… you’re too much. It stands for “Residential-Office-Retail”…

It stands for more money, that’s what. And they knew they’d get the zoning when they got the lots.
You make it sound like they cheated.

Kinda.
They didn’t. At least as far as I can tell. That whole zoning change thing is just a necessary adjustment to make the old local zoning map match the new comprehensive plan map.

Speak English please.
It’s just stuff the city needs to do to make sure everyone is on the same page and all the plans match up.

And you can’t tell me the developers didn’t know that was going to happen a long time ago. Smart ones, those guys.
Yeah, probably. But there’s nothing underhanded about it, I guess, and the information was available to everyone.

I’ll bet those 24 lots weren’t available to everyone. Don’t remember seeing any signs. No one called me offering to sell even one of them.
Like you would’ve bought one.

Hey, you never know. I can see myself in real estate. Flashy website. A red bike. My own restaurant. Heck, I’m a notary…I could do weddings.
You’re a notary? I’m in the presence of greatness…

You’re just a regular Comedy Central today.
Speaking of comedy central, did you see that parking committee thing is headed for round two?

What?
You know, the parking committee? That Pine-Avenue-isn’t-safe-anymore thing? Each commissioner’s nominating someone. Some old timers, some new guys. Even the PAR guy with the red bike.

Really? Hey, you wanna make a little wager on where he stands on Pine Avenue parking? Two bucks? Double or nothin’.
Won’t take that bet. But I wonder who nominated him? It wasn’t that lady commissioner, she put up an architect. Or so says the newspaper reporter, you know, the one who’s been around so long it seems like you've read his stories before? That one commissioner, the lawyer guy, he sure is awful quiet these days. Maybe it was him?

Wait, didn’t the reporter…uh…report who nominated the red bike guy?
No. Just kinda speculated there might be some disagreement on who gets picked and he threw out a few what he called “expected” names.

Expected? Expected by who?
Don’t know. He didn’t say. Just kinda hinted.

Expected and hinted and speculated? Perfect. If he doesn’t really know who picked the red bike guy, why’d he tell us about it? And if he does know, why didn’t he tell us about it? Since when do newspapers “hint” about things?
Good question. Guess you’d have to ask his editor. But, really, it’s probably a good thing. Committees should have people with different perspectives and opinions, otherwise there’d be nothing to argue abou…er…discuss. They’d just be a political action movement focused on their own agenda.

How do I get on that committee?
Call a commissioner and volunteer. Meetings? You?

Maybe. It’d sure be entertaining.

With your blood pressure, you wouldn’t make it through 30 minutes of the first one.

Yeah, I got no patience for politics. Or cheaters like you.
Oh, geez, give it a rest. Come over Sunday. Game’s at 1 o’clock. I’ll throw some beers in the cooler and my famous “Spunky Wings” on the grill.

You? Spunky Wings? Hah! More like Flunky Wings. My wings would wipe yours off the table.

Wanna bet?

No.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow.


© 2009 – William L. Yanger

Zoning Changes for various properties on Pine, Gulf. Spring & Palm

I was hoping to hear some input from the blog on the zoning review which will be before the commission next week to change various properties on Pine, Spring(1), Palm and Gulf to ROR designations.

If anyone can answer my questions I would appreciate it:

1.It is stated that the changes would make these properties in compliance with our comprehensive plan and this is just a reconciling of AM zoning with the plan. Is this the case? 1 a. It appears that some of these properties are in clearly residential areas that happen to border on commercial areas and would not necessarily have frontage in what is now considered commercial. Would they be permitted to change their frontage to front on Gulf?

2. Some of the properties on Gulf appear to already be in a commercial zone how would the ROR designation affect them?

3. Once an area / property is designated ROR does it have to involve a commercial and residential combination to comply or can it be either or e.g. strictly commercial - strictly residential?

4. In looking at the ownership of these properties on the county records it would appear that they are mostly (but not all) owned by persons associated with PAR or family members of a city commissioner. Is there a concern that this is spot zoning?

If anyone can shed light on these questions it would be appreciated.

Thank You,

Big Words

By Bill Yanger

Another in a continuing series of imagined conversations over coffee at Ginny & Jane E’s. Any resemblance to persons or personalities, real or imagined, is entirely coincidental and mostly unintended.


Mornin’…

GOOD MORNING ANNA MARIA!

Whoa…Where’d that come from?

Waddya mean? It is a good morning. I feel like Tony the Tiger…Grrrrrreat!

You getting those B-12 shots again? Had your Morning Glory muffin?

Nope, just read that lady’s editorial in this week’s paper. Heh heh, what a real…uh… joy to read. She tore that new commissioner a new one.

Haven’t read it yet. What’d she say?

Called him a bunch of names, basically. And said Anna Maria is the land that time forgot or something like that. Its right here…take a look.

…hmmm…uh huh…mmm…

See what I mean…stuck it to him. Hah! Land that time forgot...crack me up! Give it..

Wait a sec, I’m not finished…

Want my glasses?

Thanks…“heresy”? Really?

What?

She used the word “heresy.” Seems to me she says that Anna Maria wanting safe streets is heresy.

What’s that mean?

You’re doing back flips over her scathing editorial but you don’t know what she means? Nice.

Give me a break. She uses a lot of big words…look… predicated… pandering…retribution…

Heresy means she thinks the new guy has controversial opinions, at least opinions different than the ones she thinks are appropriate. Look it up.

See! She nailed him on that one. She’s good!

This is news? Politicians with controversial opinions? I wouldn’t exactly call them heretics. Mavericks maybe but heretics make me think of some sort of inquisition. But maybe that's just the effect she's after.

Inqui...what?

Never mind.

Yeah, well, his opinions are controversial to those PAR guys and their lawyers.

Bingo. And therefore controversial to her and her paper, apparently.

What’s this one mean, “pandering”? Is that like when my wife rubs my feet?

That’s “pampering” genius. Pandering means to cater to someone for your own benefit.

Oh, like all those weddings at the Sandbar? Great crab cakes!
No. You know, like doing a favor, helping someone, because you owe them something. Some people call it "carrying water."

She says the new guy is a water boy?

In so many words, yeah, that's exactly what she says.

For who?

She doesn't tell us that. Never has. Doubt she will.

I thought the new guy was in construction or something. A water boy?

It’s a figure of speech, genius. She’s saying that the new guy is raising all this ruckus just to pay back political promises he made to get elected.

What promises?

She doesn’t say. Not sure she can.

Promises to who?

Once again, she doesn’t say.

Okkkkayyyyy then…What does she say?

Not much specifically, as usual. Just that the sky isn’t falling.

Did someone say it was?

Well she says all this talk about safety and parking is like Chicken Little, a lot of talk about nothing.

Huh? She said that? Has she ridden her bike down Pine lately on a Saturday afternoon?

She has a bike?

Got me. But you won’t catch me dodgin’ all those Buicks fresh in from Michigan for the winter. I’ll stick to using Spring.

Seems that even though the City Attorney said there may be problems and the Commission agreed and voted to look at the problems more closely, she’s trying to convince people that there aren’t any problems and the new guy’s only raising a ruckus because he has a thing against PAR and what they are doing on Pine.

But doesn’t PAR own Pine?
Pretty much. And your point is?

Well, if the new guy is raising a ruckus about safety and parking on Pine and PAR owns Pine, the ruckus can’t very well be about anyone else can it? At least not right now. I mean, duh. Shouldn't we fix the problems now so when there are other PAR's we don't have this ruckus all over again?

I see your point.

So, let me see if I have this straight.

Yeah…?

Her paper didn’t seem to support the new guy in the election, right?

Right.

I mean, really, her paper predicted the candidates that PAR supported would win, right? Remember, they popped a bunch of popcorn and had some straw vote? Made a big deal about the winners in her paper with pictures and all?

Yep and yep and yep.

And then those straw winners lost the real election, right?

Right. Wasn’t really even close.

And now the new guy is all gung ho to fix some things that even the city’s lawyer says may be problems and that the commission wants to look at again?

Gung ho would be an understatement, yes.

And PAR is mad as heck about those fixes? I mean they hired a lawyer and all.

Yes they did.

So she then prints some name-calling editorial about the evil new guy and his awful fixes, using big ugly words that everyone’ll read and talk about even if they're not sure what they mean. Am I right?

Clearly. Hey, we’re talking about it now.

So who’s the real water boy here?

You mean water girl?

You said it, not me.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow.


© 2009 William L. Yanger

What a farce!

What an absolute farce last nights Work Session was at City Hall.
We walked in a few minutes late to hear Commissioner Mattick verbally attacking Commissioner Stoltzfus in yet another of her attempts to discredit him. What however was so low on this occasion was that she was repeating what had been a private conversation between them.

And then we were treated to more of the same and by that I mean builders/developers/architects/Manatee county commissioners who support PAR suddenly appearing at this meeting to offer a wealth of experience. Mayor Barford ensured that by the end of the meeting both Tom Aposporus and Gene Aubry would be on the Committee of five. That despite the fact that in fact each commissioner was supposed to elect someone to represent them. And did I miss something? At the last Commission Meeting the Mayor suggested that Commissioner Stoltzfus form a committee which he did. She also asked him to put Sgt Turner and Bob Welch on that committee which he did. A week later she called him and asked him to disband that committee. So I guess 'they' have all had a chance to reconsider who would be most useful to them on a committee. And just to give anyone who wasn't there a flavor of what is to come - there is already mention of relaxing some of our parking rules again! That in a City where the parking guidelines are less than almost everywhere else already!

It was depressing to see the manipulation which continues. Much work lies ahead. Not least of which is to check and re-write all the LDR's that have been changed in the last two years. As Tom Turner so rightly said it is just a word here and a word there. The result is that we now have LDR's which are so ambiguous that the developers are making a mockery of them.

Consequences

By Bill Yanger


The following is an imagined conversation over coffee one recent morning at Ginny & Jane E’s. Any resemblance to persons or personalities, real or imagined, is entirely coincidental and mostly unintended.



Hey, how’s that Morning Glory muffin?

All right, I guess.

Is it appropriately named?

Huh?

Never mind. How’s the little lady?

If she heard you call her that she’d thump you like a PAR in an election.

Good one.

She’s thinking of becoming “more active”.

Dang, she’s taking the remote control from you!

Good one. No, all this election noise is getting her riled up. She wants to help save Anna Maria.

Save it from what?

You know, the bad guys…big money. Those PAR people.

Bad guys? What do you mean bad guys? Aren’t they the ones who pay like a gazillion dollars in property taxes? Aren’t they the ones who build green buildings that don’t suck the environment dry? They are trying to bring back Old Florida, you know, like it was way back when Fast Eddie was running things! Heck, they were in Southern Living!

Rrrrright…Fast Eddie. Peaceful days those. I’m sure PAR does not aspire to be the next Fast Eddie. But they’ve got more money than he ever had and they sure push hard to get their way. Lawyer letters, accusations about “stacking the deck” against them. Seems they haven’t finished licking their wounds.

But they’re getting screwed! Do you realize how much those PAR people contribute to the community? And what about economic development? Do you think tourists come here to see the pelican poop on the pier? No! They come here to get married!! To eat at PAR restaurants. Drink in PAR bars. Sleep in PAR beds and rent bicycles and kayaks from PAR businesses! Come on! It’s PAR that is saving Anna Maria from itself!

Dude, easy on the espresso. And you’re in serious need of one of these muffins.

Oh, funny, so now I’m full of crap just because I happen to like how PAR handles things. Well I’m entitled to my opinion.

Agreed. But that opinion seems to be a lonely opinion. Just look at the election.

Yeah, so? Their guys lost. What’s the big deal? They still have their property and their money and their plans. They still pay their taxes, lots of taxes. They still buy land and build buildings and marry people. And they still have a newspaper. A little election in a little town won’t stand in their way.

I don’t know. A wise old guy once told me “Elections have consequences.” I’m just saying.

Saying what?

That it ain’t gonna be as easy as PAR thought it would be. See what that new commissioner's been doing? Now THAT guy needs no espresso.

He’s just making a lot of noise and taking advantage of his new popularity to get some press.

You mean he is a politician politicking? Imagine that. I’d call it governing…doing his job. If he fails he fails, but the voters put him there to try. He’s trying, I’ll give him that.

No, I mean if he thinks he can come in here and change the way things have been done since Ernie Cagnina chewed his cigar right here in this room, he’s crazy.

Actually, this new guy is a lot like Ernie. And his last name is just as hard to get used to.

Geez. So now you're telling me he’s here to save us all again from the evil developers just like Ernie did back in the day. That was a long time ago, my friend. Lotsa water under the humpback bridge. That PAR guy still rode around on a little red tricycle back then.

Well the new guy has made it clear he doesn’t give two spits about stepping on the toes of the Haves. And he apparently likes a good fight, which it looks like he’s about to get. That’s vintage Ernie Cagnina.

And that’s exactly why PAR got all lawyered-up. You can’t change the rules after the game starts. It’s not fair.

Fair? This isn’t about fair. It is about consequences. Remember, elections have consequences. Is it fair that people who live within a half mile of the Sandbar have to listen to “Wind Beneath My Wings” three times a day every weekend? Thank an election or at least the people you elected and then deal with it. Is it fair that 30 cars and 100 people make Park Ave. their private beach every summer day while Beach and Maple and Oak and Mangrove and Cedar and Willow and Palmetto sit peaceful and quiet, free from defecating drunks, dirty diapers and scattered beer bottles? Thank an election and then deal with it. Is it fair that rental units on quiet streets turn into a mini-Mardi Gras when weddings come to town? Is it fair to neighbors of the old log cabin on Sycamore that the coolest house in the city is now a monument to bald excess and architectural dysfunction in the extreme? Is it fair that everything from Spring to Pine, west of Gulf Boulevard is zoned commercial and it’d be impossible to get similar zoning anywhere else on the beach? Thank…an…election. Consequences always tick somebody off …that’s what happens in a democracy. This new guy has the will of the voters behind him. The system will grind on and we’ll see whether his noise gets results. But fair is not the issue. PAR just needs to deal with it. No one says they don’t have a right to protect their turf but there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it.

Wow. Sounds like you’ve thought about this a little bit.

Not really. It just seems like common sense to me. I hate this cliché but “it is what it is,” you know? It’s easy to be the good guy when you’re getting what you want. Adapting to consequences without whining ain’t easy. But it happens. And maybe PAR can do that. We’ll see.

Yeah, we’ll see. Anyway, yes, the name is dead-on perfect.

What?

Morning Glory…the muffin. Gotta get home.

Riding your bike back down Pine?

Are you kidding? Too dangerous these days. Haven’t you heard?

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, tomorrow.


© 2009 William L. Yanger